Lick your eye check your pulse

So now that I've been accepted to three of my top schools, I have a tough decision to make. Ideally, I would love to be as far away as possible. I want to get away from all the tension. I know that families fight and argue and quarrel once and a while. It's only natural. But it seems that in the past few months the whole dynamic of our house has gone into a downward spiral. Anytime anyone says something someone else is automatically on the extreme defense and they go off into a rage then someone else gets involved and there is usually one of us (not always me) who takes refuge in their room or living space to envelope themselves in something a little less hostile and, quite frankly, trivial. I think we all know what we want and what we expect from ourselves, each other, and life in general. And as time goes on, we all seem to be going on diverging paths. And cooperation, consideration, tolerance, and a basic concept of give and take seem to not exist here anymore. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm not going to say that I haven't changed a bit in the past couple of years, and who doesn't? It's natural. I know I've become a little more assertive and I'm starting to realize that I don't always have to be someone else's bitch, I can want and be a little selfish. It's normal. I think I'm just having trouble finding the boundaries. When is selfishness no longer at a reasonable level? When is it, isn't it OK to be selfish? It's a skill I'm working on, especially if I'm going to be sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life.

Wow, if you read through all that, you're a trooper.

I hope the midterms don't suck. I hope colleges that accepted me don't look at my grades after the midterm and go "Shit, this kid is lame" and retract their offer. An offer I've been anticipating for quite some time. I really do care about school. Next year school. College. Real school. Not high school.

I got into a fight with my Mom again about my room being turned into Katie's room when I go to college. I told her that if I'm kicked out of my room, then I'm going to stay with Tara or Robin for the summer and breaks. I know it doesn't seem like much, it's only a 12 by 14 room, but it's been mine for 13 years. I get easily attached to things. I've had to let go of cool, crappy cars that my Dad brought home that I fell in love with and I moved on. But this is different. This is the room that I hide in. The room I've decorated with the stuff I like, no one else. This is the room where I masturbate and the room I lost my virginity in and the room I laugh and cry and have heart to heart talks with and the room I blast my music, stand on my floor and give concerts to imaginary people to. This is the room I've studied in, the room I've done a lot of emotional poop. It's my safety zone and to think that it might become a bright purple girly skank room with pictures of Abercrombie models on the walls and skanky perfumes that cloud the once familiar smell of me and my stuff, it tears me up.

Oh Xmas tree oh Xmas tree lalala

Well Christmas is only a day away but it hardly feels that way. With all the stress and chaos that's been surrounding these past few months, it's been really hard to stop and get in on all the Christmas frenzy and mayhem. I hope that at least on Christmas eve I'll feel a bit jollier than I have been. It just seems like there is no real time to stop and do shit that I wanna do. Every time I get a free second, I'm flooded by thoughts of obligations, due dates, shit hanging over my head to do. So the only real free time I get is when I'm asleep, other wise I'm busy pleasing everyone else. I know I sound emo teenage girl esque but I don't really care. I'm tired and ready for vacation. I just want to relax and have some fun, read, and eat.

While I'm here venting and what not, I want to write a little ode to an old chum of mine, Eric. This year, Eric has been incessantly pestering me with his smug I'm better that everyone attitude and his pretentiousness. It bothers me a lot. Every time he opens his mouth in class I class I want to throw a desk at his dumb face. So, I tell him I hate him, I yell at him to stop talking when he says dumb, unnecessary comments, and yes sometimes I do mock him for other reasons. I do it because I care. I care that he is in my life. I care that he bothers me to no end. He adds unnecessary aggravation to my already aggravating life. So today he decides to "confront me" about our interactions. I say I just don't want to talk to him. He keeps at me. So I keep ignoring him. I certainly have better things to do with my time then to think about Eric Nemerich. I really do. And next year, when I go to school somewhere else, I wont ever see him. And you know what, I'm grateful for that. Eric, go away from me. The end.

That being said, I got into college!!! I cant believe I forgot to mention that earlier. I got into Green Mountain in Vermont, a school where I can read and study in peace, hang out with quite hippies, ski(something I miss doing), and go hiking. Oh and I can work on a farm as my work study. Dreamy. So yay, at least I know I'm going somewhere! I've wanted to go there for a while so it's kinda surreal that I actually got in.

If I dont post before Xmas, have a great, happy, Eric free Xmas!

Desire is the fire...

So I'm done done applying to college. I just have to wait. And wait. And wait. I just wanna be done with high school, real bad. I go there everyday and I'm just so done with all the petty shit, all the lame ass hats who wont even do anything useful after graduation. Caw!

I've been reading a lot more poetry lately, specifically from my postmoderns' book and more specifically Jack Kerouac and Lawrence Ferlinghetti. I've fallen in love with American poetry, it's so real to me somehow. But sometimes it kinda seems like I have a love hate relationship with poetry. I love reading it, and I like to think writing it is one way for me to express myself. But then I sit down with my keys ready to be punched at or my pen ready to scribe some great piece of beauty and symbolism. You know what comes out? Nada. Maybe I should smoke a doobie or something. I dunno. For now I'll just keep reading and enjoying other people's work; their woes, troubles, emotions, and sometimes fetishes( John Donne) lol.

I made a perty picture in art today! I wanna gold sticker considering I've been in art for the whole year and have not completed anything. I've been acting as McColl's special helper because apparently he's too sp-ed to manage a bunch of other sp-ed kids from horizons... and Coco. But even after dealing with those abject failures in photo believe it or not I still want to be a real teacher. I just cant wait. It's hard to explain. Maybe it has to do with my fascination with people and how we all exist in society.

Oh people are so interesting.

Lalala I'm in a new phase

SO, I sent out my college apps tonight. Enough said? Yeah, 6 schools in one night. I sent away my personal info, my ssn, and my money to 6 schools with 1 button click. My future now hangs in the balance, in the hands on 6 different schools. As MOgren would say "Ack!" Yeah so that was stressful as everyone knows. Now, like everyone else, I wait. I sit and wait. God what a torturous process.

College bull aside, it's Christmas time once again. Too bad it's bogged down by lack of money, time, snow, or stress management. I still have to go buy some presents and such. I'm a bad shopper and need help doing so. Anyone wanna help? I didn't think so :)I just want some more time.. this whole Xmas thing comes and goes too quickly..or not fast enough. I don't mean to sound emo cuz I actual love Christmas time, I love snow, I love the food and the trees and the presents and the coming together to be joyous and stuff. I love the concept. An now when this time rolls in I get nostalgic and think about how this time last ear Tara and I were in courting phase.. I took her hiking at the Supply Pond, we went to the Fantasy of Lights, we went to the Book Barn and to the movies and diner, and then we became a couple. I think it's my new favorite thing about Christmas. I know you'll all barf when I say that she was and will always be the best Christmas gift that I could receive, even better than the mini fridge. So yeah, not all emo.

Oh and I almost forgot, I've started doing yoga. I love it. I feel so relaxed and flexible and my posture is better and my digestion is better, I'm more centered, calm and it's great. I want a yoga mat now.

Goodnight everyone :)

Tonight everything is lowball

I've been thinking about the future almost daily. Lame sounding? Sure. But it's true, where am I going to end up in 4 or 5 years from now? I'll probable move back home and look for a job. But I want more than that. I want a home of my own, even if it's small and lame. I want to start being a real adult. I mean I already pay bills, have a job(a cushy one, but a job nevertheless), drive everywhere, and pay for a bunch of stuff on my own. I've been applying to colleges with little help from my parents and I mean, I think I can handle the so called "real world" that's been looming over my head for years.

I might have just listened to the same song two times in a row. I dunno.

I kinda had a mini meltdown a few days ago. It was weird. My mind just lost it's attachment to reality. I crawled into my room, under the covers, and cried. It was so different. I've been able to handle stress pretty well my whole life but the other night I felt that I might just spontaneously burst in the middle of my kitchen if I didn't go down to my room and just sit alone. Before I went to my room I made an announcement to my family... one member especially. I said that (this person) has no fucking sense of reality, of what the real world is like. People wont bend around your wishes and wants after you leave your safety bubble of our house behind. It just doesn't happen that way. I knew that, like always, my words fell on deaf(and dumb) ears. So after talking about my sister, my mom and dad, about colleges and financial aid and working and my report card and my chores for the week and stuff, I just went to my room and cried. Call me a girl but let me tell you, after I sat there and cried, I felt something. I felt like someone had clicked the refresh button on my mind. I felt okay. I continued to sit in my room, watch tv, some porn, listen to music, buy a cd on itunes, and go to sleep. It was something new and different. But now I just go about my beeswax and that's okay.

Now I just need to finish and apply to college and get into Elms or Keene or Green Mountain and then I can breath easy and finish senior year.

Then I can get smart and get my degree and get a job and a house and stuff and live happily ever after, right?

Sure. Doesn't sound too hard. One day at a time and so on.

I'm listening to Phoenix and I'm enjoying a night of Sean time. See ya.

My KEYS are BACK!

My dad, my hero, my savior, found my keys in the leaf pile in the woods at Coco's house. I was amazed, filled with happiness and relief and gratitude. I lurve my pops.

Coco's blogging again! My little fagilla (and Jew) is a blogger once more. I have to say, even though I talk to him daily it's nice to read what he really wants to say but sometimes cant. I know how that goes. I feel like I can write an essay that says all the stuff I'm thinking in class and while I read but am just too bleh to say out loud. Weirdness, I know.

I think I want to learn how to paint pictures. I dunno, I'm feeling creative. The only problem with art and me is that over the past few months I've become more of a uniform, organized person in terms of shapes, words, writing style, etc. It's weird for me cuz I've always fancied myself a sort of ah who cares kinda guy but now I'm very, OCD ish. Not full on but it's just that I know what I want. Anyway, I'm going to try painting along w/ the photography to try and offset the stress and craziness that surrounds my daily being. Ah 2009, end soon, plz.

I'm going nighty night now. I'm on the couch for the 5th night while Tara hides out in my room away from her swine flu ridden domicile. Bleh. Cya!

BLah bLah BLoG

The word stress doesn't even begin to describe the feelings that are brewing the the coffee I need to be drinking.

I. Am. So. Done. With. This. Year.

There is just so much shit going on at once that my brain isn't equipped to handle. I cant even think clearly anymore.

I need someone/thing to come into my life, take the stress and work that goes along with college and my future and put it in fast forward for like 4 years. Then I'll be happy. It scares me to death thinking and planning where I'll be next year, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years from now. I don't know. It's all foreign to me. I've lived in the same town for my whole life. I've had most of the same friends, gone to the same places in town, had the same job, for a long time. Now I'm told I have to just walk away from it if I want to be a success. I do want to be a success but I also want to slow down a bit, take it at my own glacial pace. Then I can know what needs to be done.

Deep breaths.

Slow down. There are 8 trillion words working their way into one thought bubble at once. I cant breath.

Slow.

Slower.

Ahhhh.

That'll do.

I'm held in her nest. I've calmed instantly. I'm high off of her essence. It too is foreign. But this newness is welcomed with open sores, open heart, and open soul.

I'm okay. Just tired, overwhelmed, nervous, stressed, pissy, angsty, and emotional. Also known as an 18 year old living in middle class America with middle class petty drama bull.

Next year will transform my whole being. For the greater good of my sanity.

I hope.

G'night!