I think it's safe...

I know its been a while but I've both busy and lazy and there's just not that much to talk about. I got to read Tara's Xanga poems tonight. They really opened my eyes to what a mature and simply( and complexly) beautiful person she really and truly is. This time last year, I was going to stupid parties with John and Hanna and Jason. They were fun at first... then everyone began to drink. I would watch, feeling like I was just some casual observer with a heavy heart. One night I was so desperate for attention or acceptance or I was just thirsty that I drank. It tasted like shit but I just drank. I was all clenchy at first but I let go. I needed it, I guess. I hated myself for it. I had no reason and every reason to crack open that can. I had fun, but I still felt drawn back. I was new to this but I ust went for it. Another time we were all at Hanna's and we walked down to the pond and one of them (my friends) pulled out a joint. I was almost going to go for it... all I wanted to be in the inner circle, to finally just unpack and unclench but unfortunately I have morals and decided to once again watch from the side. I may as well have just stayed home and watched porn or read. I just wish I could have gotten up the nerve to say what I wanted to say out loud, instead of writing it down in a stupid notebook. But I think in some cosmic way my lameness payed off. I truly cant imagine my self being any better than I am now. But I was lonely this time last year. I hurt a lot, all of the time. I tortured myself for years. It's like my hand was in the cookie jar and the mother figure (society) was telling me I could but my sense of reality slapped me on the wrist and said you'll ruin your friendship and any chance of.. I dunno. She called me at her convenience and I ran to her, literally. I would sit at home and watch her go out and come back hours later, having been social, and I, clammed up in my chamber of solitude (as my Dad calls it), waiting. I told myself to give it up but as we all know, it's easier said then done. We'd hang out, talk. But I think she'd sense me wanting to say what we both knew, but she's slam me to the ground like a sumo wrestler with those god damn words " You're like a brother to me." I would sit and smile and say "Yeah, sure." I would hang on to the shreds of hope for something a little less brother/ sistery and a little more relationshipy. It never happened. Now I'm over it. It was hard at first.
I'm over it. I'm completly over it, those feelings have melted away like the inlaid sled tracks on my yard from hours of fun in the snow.
Now I can truly say I am in love now in a way I thought didn't exist in the humans stash of hormonal chemicals. Tara, you make everything in my life whole and meaningful. You return the love I send your way and now, instead of watching, I'm involved. I've evolved, thanks to you. And as far as last summer, I'm just done with it. I don't want to watch, I've moved on. I just don't care anymore. I'm in love, in a love that is pure and two sided and real and the only thing I need to make me feel whole. I love you, Tara.

Wow, that's the longest/most person post ever for me. But, I'm glad it's out. I'm happy and I'm not ashamed of my life or it's potentially lame details. It's me, so there. Night!