Everything and nothing... a new concept

Today was one of the first days in a while that I've spent by myself. Tara had an all day Rainbow meeting in Bumblefuck,CT. As I was driving her there she asked me what I was gonna do today. I sat there for a bit. In my head I was like "What do I want to do by myself? I have no clue". I could sit in my room and watch movies and finish reading The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test. I could sit on the computer and watch hours of porn and go on Stumbleupon. I had no clue. So I said the first thing that came to my head. "I'm gonna go for a bike ride." In January. I used to ride my bike all around town. Once I got my car I rode a little less. Once Tara and I started dating I hardly touched the thing. Anyway so I dropped her off and went home. I ha already decided on the way home that I'd was my car first.I took it to this place where you pay $5 to wash it yourself in this garage where they have cool soap brush things and power washers. My car looks nice. Anyway so I got home, put air in my tires and rode without any idea as to where I would be going. I ended up riding through Pine Orchard and Stony Creek for over 2 hours. I got home exhausted, barely able to walk to the door. But it was worth it. For me the freedom and solidarity that comes with riding by yourself is just amazing. It's kind of a high really. I was all bundled up and probably looked a little sketchy with a hood over my head in all black I didn't care. So that was that. I'm tired of writing so I'll be back later. Bye

Lick your eye check your pulse

So now that I've been accepted to three of my top schools, I have a tough decision to make. Ideally, I would love to be as far away as possible. I want to get away from all the tension. I know that families fight and argue and quarrel once and a while. It's only natural. But it seems that in the past few months the whole dynamic of our house has gone into a downward spiral. Anytime anyone says something someone else is automatically on the extreme defense and they go off into a rage then someone else gets involved and there is usually one of us (not always me) who takes refuge in their room or living space to envelope themselves in something a little less hostile and, quite frankly, trivial. I think we all know what we want and what we expect from ourselves, each other, and life in general. And as time goes on, we all seem to be going on diverging paths. And cooperation, consideration, tolerance, and a basic concept of give and take seem to not exist here anymore. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm not going to say that I haven't changed a bit in the past couple of years, and who doesn't? It's natural. I know I've become a little more assertive and I'm starting to realize that I don't always have to be someone else's bitch, I can want and be a little selfish. It's normal. I think I'm just having trouble finding the boundaries. When is selfishness no longer at a reasonable level? When is it, isn't it OK to be selfish? It's a skill I'm working on, especially if I'm going to be sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life.

Wow, if you read through all that, you're a trooper.

I hope the midterms don't suck. I hope colleges that accepted me don't look at my grades after the midterm and go "Shit, this kid is lame" and retract their offer. An offer I've been anticipating for quite some time. I really do care about school. Next year school. College. Real school. Not high school.

I got into a fight with my Mom again about my room being turned into Katie's room when I go to college. I told her that if I'm kicked out of my room, then I'm going to stay with Tara or Robin for the summer and breaks. I know it doesn't seem like much, it's only a 12 by 14 room, but it's been mine for 13 years. I get easily attached to things. I've had to let go of cool, crappy cars that my Dad brought home that I fell in love with and I moved on. But this is different. This is the room that I hide in. The room I've decorated with the stuff I like, no one else. This is the room where I masturbate and the room I lost my virginity in and the room I laugh and cry and have heart to heart talks with and the room I blast my music, stand on my floor and give concerts to imaginary people to. This is the room I've studied in, the room I've done a lot of emotional poop. It's my safety zone and to think that it might become a bright purple girly skank room with pictures of Abercrombie models on the walls and skanky perfumes that cloud the once familiar smell of me and my stuff, it tears me up.