Redesigning a connection

So I've decided that the only reason I go to school now is to graduate in the summer with my friends. If I ha it my way, my friends and I would stop going to school now, sit around and gossip, eat food, and bitch until college rolled around. Instead, we sit on the balcony at lunch and do, well, pretty much that. I go to physics, gym, math, English, and so on and I honestly see no point in me being there. I feel that I've learned all I possibly can from high school and am ready to go on and study at college. Yeah, sounds like a typical case of senioridus to me. The only cure? Graduation. And crack... jk.

So I've also been working on senior ex, the dumbest piece of shit idea BHS ever came up with. Such a waste of time. Nevertheless I've decided to run a film discussion at the library in March. We'll watch a documentary (Religulous by Bill Maher) an have a group discussion to follow it. So I'm using my blog to plug my film club thing to the like 3 readers of this blog.. the viewing will be on either March 5th or 12th... I'll let you all know and it's free and there will be food... the only reason any one will go anyway. So tell your friends...plz. Thanks homies!

I came up with this idea that after graduation, our friends group will go to Maine at my aunt's cottage for a week to just celebrate our freedom. I cant wait. It will be so fun. I think about it a lot. It's gonna be really weird in college not being with these people who I've spent so much time with, shared so much with, and really love- once we go off to college. I think I'll have withdraws. Hopefully this trip will bring us closer if that's even possible.

Everything and nothing... a new concept

Today was one of the first days in a while that I've spent by myself. Tara had an all day Rainbow meeting in Bumblefuck,CT. As I was driving her there she asked me what I was gonna do today. I sat there for a bit. In my head I was like "What do I want to do by myself? I have no clue". I could sit in my room and watch movies and finish reading The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test. I could sit on the computer and watch hours of porn and go on Stumbleupon. I had no clue. So I said the first thing that came to my head. "I'm gonna go for a bike ride." In January. I used to ride my bike all around town. Once I got my car I rode a little less. Once Tara and I started dating I hardly touched the thing. Anyway so I dropped her off and went home. I ha already decided on the way home that I'd was my car first.I took it to this place where you pay $5 to wash it yourself in this garage where they have cool soap brush things and power washers. My car looks nice. Anyway so I got home, put air in my tires and rode without any idea as to where I would be going. I ended up riding through Pine Orchard and Stony Creek for over 2 hours. I got home exhausted, barely able to walk to the door. But it was worth it. For me the freedom and solidarity that comes with riding by yourself is just amazing. It's kind of a high really. I was all bundled up and probably looked a little sketchy with a hood over my head in all black I didn't care. So that was that. I'm tired of writing so I'll be back later. Bye

Lick your eye check your pulse

So now that I've been accepted to three of my top schools, I have a tough decision to make. Ideally, I would love to be as far away as possible. I want to get away from all the tension. I know that families fight and argue and quarrel once and a while. It's only natural. But it seems that in the past few months the whole dynamic of our house has gone into a downward spiral. Anytime anyone says something someone else is automatically on the extreme defense and they go off into a rage then someone else gets involved and there is usually one of us (not always me) who takes refuge in their room or living space to envelope themselves in something a little less hostile and, quite frankly, trivial. I think we all know what we want and what we expect from ourselves, each other, and life in general. And as time goes on, we all seem to be going on diverging paths. And cooperation, consideration, tolerance, and a basic concept of give and take seem to not exist here anymore. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm not going to say that I haven't changed a bit in the past couple of years, and who doesn't? It's natural. I know I've become a little more assertive and I'm starting to realize that I don't always have to be someone else's bitch, I can want and be a little selfish. It's normal. I think I'm just having trouble finding the boundaries. When is selfishness no longer at a reasonable level? When is it, isn't it OK to be selfish? It's a skill I'm working on, especially if I'm going to be sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life.

Wow, if you read through all that, you're a trooper.

I hope the midterms don't suck. I hope colleges that accepted me don't look at my grades after the midterm and go "Shit, this kid is lame" and retract their offer. An offer I've been anticipating for quite some time. I really do care about school. Next year school. College. Real school. Not high school.

I got into a fight with my Mom again about my room being turned into Katie's room when I go to college. I told her that if I'm kicked out of my room, then I'm going to stay with Tara or Robin for the summer and breaks. I know it doesn't seem like much, it's only a 12 by 14 room, but it's been mine for 13 years. I get easily attached to things. I've had to let go of cool, crappy cars that my Dad brought home that I fell in love with and I moved on. But this is different. This is the room that I hide in. The room I've decorated with the stuff I like, no one else. This is the room where I masturbate and the room I lost my virginity in and the room I laugh and cry and have heart to heart talks with and the room I blast my music, stand on my floor and give concerts to imaginary people to. This is the room I've studied in, the room I've done a lot of emotional poop. It's my safety zone and to think that it might become a bright purple girly skank room with pictures of Abercrombie models on the walls and skanky perfumes that cloud the once familiar smell of me and my stuff, it tears me up.

Oh Xmas tree oh Xmas tree lalala

Well Christmas is only a day away but it hardly feels that way. With all the stress and chaos that's been surrounding these past few months, it's been really hard to stop and get in on all the Christmas frenzy and mayhem. I hope that at least on Christmas eve I'll feel a bit jollier than I have been. It just seems like there is no real time to stop and do shit that I wanna do. Every time I get a free second, I'm flooded by thoughts of obligations, due dates, shit hanging over my head to do. So the only real free time I get is when I'm asleep, other wise I'm busy pleasing everyone else. I know I sound emo teenage girl esque but I don't really care. I'm tired and ready for vacation. I just want to relax and have some fun, read, and eat.

While I'm here venting and what not, I want to write a little ode to an old chum of mine, Eric. This year, Eric has been incessantly pestering me with his smug I'm better that everyone attitude and his pretentiousness. It bothers me a lot. Every time he opens his mouth in class I class I want to throw a desk at his dumb face. So, I tell him I hate him, I yell at him to stop talking when he says dumb, unnecessary comments, and yes sometimes I do mock him for other reasons. I do it because I care. I care that he is in my life. I care that he bothers me to no end. He adds unnecessary aggravation to my already aggravating life. So today he decides to "confront me" about our interactions. I say I just don't want to talk to him. He keeps at me. So I keep ignoring him. I certainly have better things to do with my time then to think about Eric Nemerich. I really do. And next year, when I go to school somewhere else, I wont ever see him. And you know what, I'm grateful for that. Eric, go away from me. The end.

That being said, I got into college!!! I cant believe I forgot to mention that earlier. I got into Green Mountain in Vermont, a school where I can read and study in peace, hang out with quite hippies, ski(something I miss doing), and go hiking. Oh and I can work on a farm as my work study. Dreamy. So yay, at least I know I'm going somewhere! I've wanted to go there for a while so it's kinda surreal that I actually got in.

If I dont post before Xmas, have a great, happy, Eric free Xmas!

Desire is the fire...

So I'm done done applying to college. I just have to wait. And wait. And wait. I just wanna be done with high school, real bad. I go there everyday and I'm just so done with all the petty shit, all the lame ass hats who wont even do anything useful after graduation. Caw!

I've been reading a lot more poetry lately, specifically from my postmoderns' book and more specifically Jack Kerouac and Lawrence Ferlinghetti. I've fallen in love with American poetry, it's so real to me somehow. But sometimes it kinda seems like I have a love hate relationship with poetry. I love reading it, and I like to think writing it is one way for me to express myself. But then I sit down with my keys ready to be punched at or my pen ready to scribe some great piece of beauty and symbolism. You know what comes out? Nada. Maybe I should smoke a doobie or something. I dunno. For now I'll just keep reading and enjoying other people's work; their woes, troubles, emotions, and sometimes fetishes( John Donne) lol.

I made a perty picture in art today! I wanna gold sticker considering I've been in art for the whole year and have not completed anything. I've been acting as McColl's special helper because apparently he's too sp-ed to manage a bunch of other sp-ed kids from horizons... and Coco. But even after dealing with those abject failures in photo believe it or not I still want to be a real teacher. I just cant wait. It's hard to explain. Maybe it has to do with my fascination with people and how we all exist in society.

Oh people are so interesting.

Lalala I'm in a new phase

SO, I sent out my college apps tonight. Enough said? Yeah, 6 schools in one night. I sent away my personal info, my ssn, and my money to 6 schools with 1 button click. My future now hangs in the balance, in the hands on 6 different schools. As MOgren would say "Ack!" Yeah so that was stressful as everyone knows. Now, like everyone else, I wait. I sit and wait. God what a torturous process.

College bull aside, it's Christmas time once again. Too bad it's bogged down by lack of money, time, snow, or stress management. I still have to go buy some presents and such. I'm a bad shopper and need help doing so. Anyone wanna help? I didn't think so :)I just want some more time.. this whole Xmas thing comes and goes too quickly..or not fast enough. I don't mean to sound emo cuz I actual love Christmas time, I love snow, I love the food and the trees and the presents and the coming together to be joyous and stuff. I love the concept. An now when this time rolls in I get nostalgic and think about how this time last ear Tara and I were in courting phase.. I took her hiking at the Supply Pond, we went to the Fantasy of Lights, we went to the Book Barn and to the movies and diner, and then we became a couple. I think it's my new favorite thing about Christmas. I know you'll all barf when I say that she was and will always be the best Christmas gift that I could receive, even better than the mini fridge. So yeah, not all emo.

Oh and I almost forgot, I've started doing yoga. I love it. I feel so relaxed and flexible and my posture is better and my digestion is better, I'm more centered, calm and it's great. I want a yoga mat now.

Goodnight everyone :)

Tonight everything is lowball

I've been thinking about the future almost daily. Lame sounding? Sure. But it's true, where am I going to end up in 4 or 5 years from now? I'll probable move back home and look for a job. But I want more than that. I want a home of my own, even if it's small and lame. I want to start being a real adult. I mean I already pay bills, have a job(a cushy one, but a job nevertheless), drive everywhere, and pay for a bunch of stuff on my own. I've been applying to colleges with little help from my parents and I mean, I think I can handle the so called "real world" that's been looming over my head for years.

I might have just listened to the same song two times in a row. I dunno.

I kinda had a mini meltdown a few days ago. It was weird. My mind just lost it's attachment to reality. I crawled into my room, under the covers, and cried. It was so different. I've been able to handle stress pretty well my whole life but the other night I felt that I might just spontaneously burst in the middle of my kitchen if I didn't go down to my room and just sit alone. Before I went to my room I made an announcement to my family... one member especially. I said that (this person) has no fucking sense of reality, of what the real world is like. People wont bend around your wishes and wants after you leave your safety bubble of our house behind. It just doesn't happen that way. I knew that, like always, my words fell on deaf(and dumb) ears. So after talking about my sister, my mom and dad, about colleges and financial aid and working and my report card and my chores for the week and stuff, I just went to my room and cried. Call me a girl but let me tell you, after I sat there and cried, I felt something. I felt like someone had clicked the refresh button on my mind. I felt okay. I continued to sit in my room, watch tv, some porn, listen to music, buy a cd on itunes, and go to sleep. It was something new and different. But now I just go about my beeswax and that's okay.

Now I just need to finish and apply to college and get into Elms or Keene or Green Mountain and then I can breath easy and finish senior year.

Then I can get smart and get my degree and get a job and a house and stuff and live happily ever after, right?

Sure. Doesn't sound too hard. One day at a time and so on.

I'm listening to Phoenix and I'm enjoying a night of Sean time. See ya.