So now that I've been accepted to three of my top schools, I have a tough decision to make. Ideally, I would love to be as far away as possible. I want to get away from all the tension. I know that families fight and argue and quarrel once and a while. It's only natural. But it seems that in the past few months the whole dynamic of our house has gone into a downward spiral. Anytime anyone says something someone else is automatically on the extreme defense and they go off into a rage then someone else gets involved and there is usually one of us (not always me) who takes refuge in their room or living space to envelope themselves in something a little less hostile and, quite frankly, trivial. I think we all know what we want and what we expect from ourselves, each other, and life in general. And as time goes on, we all seem to be going on diverging paths. And cooperation, consideration, tolerance, and a basic concept of give and take seem to not exist here anymore. It's frustrating to say the least. I'm not going to say that I haven't changed a bit in the past couple of years, and who doesn't? It's natural. I know I've become a little more assertive and I'm starting to realize that I don't always have to be someone else's bitch, I can want and be a little selfish. It's normal. I think I'm just having trouble finding the boundaries. When is selfishness no longer at a reasonable level? When is it, isn't it OK to be selfish? It's a skill I'm working on, especially if I'm going to be sharing my life with someone for the rest of my life.
Wow, if you read through all that, you're a trooper.
I hope the midterms don't suck. I hope colleges that accepted me don't look at my grades after the midterm and go "Shit, this kid is lame" and retract their offer. An offer I've been anticipating for quite some time. I really do care about school. Next year school. College. Real school. Not high school.
I got into a fight with my Mom again about my room being turned into Katie's room when I go to college. I told her that if I'm kicked out of my room, then I'm going to stay with Tara or Robin for the summer and breaks. I know it doesn't seem like much, it's only a 12 by 14 room, but it's been mine for 13 years. I get easily attached to things. I've had to let go of cool, crappy cars that my Dad brought home that I fell in love with and I moved on. But this is different. This is the room that I hide in. The room I've decorated with the stuff I like, no one else. This is the room where I masturbate and the room I lost my virginity in and the room I laugh and cry and have heart to heart talks with and the room I blast my music, stand on my floor and give concerts to imaginary people to. This is the room I've studied in, the room I've done a lot of emotional poop. It's my safety zone and to think that it might become a bright purple girly skank room with pictures of Abercrombie models on the walls and skanky perfumes that cloud the once familiar smell of me and my stuff, it tears me up.
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1 comment:
That's probably the most personal thing I've read by you. It was well written and, more importantly, emotionally raw - powerful. Have you told your mom how you feel about Katie getting your room? Have you mentioned how attached to it you are, and how it would make you feel if Katie lived in it? Also, in response to the whole selfish thing: I know I'm not any kind of authority on the matter, but, in my opinion, you can only be too selfish if you make a commitment to someone and then renege on your promise and live for yourself. Which I don't see you doing. It's fine to get what you want, but if getting what you want puts you in opposition to the one you love, well, that's being selfish. That probably didn't make a lot of sense, and that was a very long-winded comment, but I wanted to say something.
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