Tonight everything is lowball

I've been thinking about the future almost daily. Lame sounding? Sure. But it's true, where am I going to end up in 4 or 5 years from now? I'll probable move back home and look for a job. But I want more than that. I want a home of my own, even if it's small and lame. I want to start being a real adult. I mean I already pay bills, have a job(a cushy one, but a job nevertheless), drive everywhere, and pay for a bunch of stuff on my own. I've been applying to colleges with little help from my parents and I mean, I think I can handle the so called "real world" that's been looming over my head for years.

I might have just listened to the same song two times in a row. I dunno.

I kinda had a mini meltdown a few days ago. It was weird. My mind just lost it's attachment to reality. I crawled into my room, under the covers, and cried. It was so different. I've been able to handle stress pretty well my whole life but the other night I felt that I might just spontaneously burst in the middle of my kitchen if I didn't go down to my room and just sit alone. Before I went to my room I made an announcement to my family... one member especially. I said that (this person) has no fucking sense of reality, of what the real world is like. People wont bend around your wishes and wants after you leave your safety bubble of our house behind. It just doesn't happen that way. I knew that, like always, my words fell on deaf(and dumb) ears. So after talking about my sister, my mom and dad, about colleges and financial aid and working and my report card and my chores for the week and stuff, I just went to my room and cried. Call me a girl but let me tell you, after I sat there and cried, I felt something. I felt like someone had clicked the refresh button on my mind. I felt okay. I continued to sit in my room, watch tv, some porn, listen to music, buy a cd on itunes, and go to sleep. It was something new and different. But now I just go about my beeswax and that's okay.

Now I just need to finish and apply to college and get into Elms or Keene or Green Mountain and then I can breath easy and finish senior year.

Then I can get smart and get my degree and get a job and a house and stuff and live happily ever after, right?

Sure. Doesn't sound too hard. One day at a time and so on.

I'm listening to Phoenix and I'm enjoying a night of Sean time. See ya.

My KEYS are BACK!

My dad, my hero, my savior, found my keys in the leaf pile in the woods at Coco's house. I was amazed, filled with happiness and relief and gratitude. I lurve my pops.

Coco's blogging again! My little fagilla (and Jew) is a blogger once more. I have to say, even though I talk to him daily it's nice to read what he really wants to say but sometimes cant. I know how that goes. I feel like I can write an essay that says all the stuff I'm thinking in class and while I read but am just too bleh to say out loud. Weirdness, I know.

I think I want to learn how to paint pictures. I dunno, I'm feeling creative. The only problem with art and me is that over the past few months I've become more of a uniform, organized person in terms of shapes, words, writing style, etc. It's weird for me cuz I've always fancied myself a sort of ah who cares kinda guy but now I'm very, OCD ish. Not full on but it's just that I know what I want. Anyway, I'm going to try painting along w/ the photography to try and offset the stress and craziness that surrounds my daily being. Ah 2009, end soon, plz.

I'm going nighty night now. I'm on the couch for the 5th night while Tara hides out in my room away from her swine flu ridden domicile. Bleh. Cya!

BLah bLah BLoG

The word stress doesn't even begin to describe the feelings that are brewing the the coffee I need to be drinking.

I. Am. So. Done. With. This. Year.

There is just so much shit going on at once that my brain isn't equipped to handle. I cant even think clearly anymore.

I need someone/thing to come into my life, take the stress and work that goes along with college and my future and put it in fast forward for like 4 years. Then I'll be happy. It scares me to death thinking and planning where I'll be next year, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years from now. I don't know. It's all foreign to me. I've lived in the same town for my whole life. I've had most of the same friends, gone to the same places in town, had the same job, for a long time. Now I'm told I have to just walk away from it if I want to be a success. I do want to be a success but I also want to slow down a bit, take it at my own glacial pace. Then I can know what needs to be done.

Deep breaths.

Slow down. There are 8 trillion words working their way into one thought bubble at once. I cant breath.

Slow.

Slower.

Ahhhh.

That'll do.

I'm held in her nest. I've calmed instantly. I'm high off of her essence. It too is foreign. But this newness is welcomed with open sores, open heart, and open soul.

I'm okay. Just tired, overwhelmed, nervous, stressed, pissy, angsty, and emotional. Also known as an 18 year old living in middle class America with middle class petty drama bull.

Next year will transform my whole being. For the greater good of my sanity.

I hope.

G'night!