I've been thinking about the future almost daily. Lame sounding? Sure. But it's true, where am I going to end up in 4 or 5 years from now? I'll probable move back home and look for a job. But I want more than that. I want a home of my own, even if it's small and lame. I want to start being a real adult. I mean I already pay bills, have a job(a cushy one, but a job nevertheless), drive everywhere, and pay for a bunch of stuff on my own. I've been applying to colleges with little help from my parents and I mean, I think I can handle the so called "real world" that's been looming over my head for years.
I might have just listened to the same song two times in a row. I dunno.
I kinda had a mini meltdown a few days ago. It was weird. My mind just lost it's attachment to reality. I crawled into my room, under the covers, and cried. It was so different. I've been able to handle stress pretty well my whole life but the other night I felt that I might just spontaneously burst in the middle of my kitchen if I didn't go down to my room and just sit alone. Before I went to my room I made an announcement to my family... one member especially. I said that (this person) has no fucking sense of reality, of what the real world is like. People wont bend around your wishes and wants after you leave your safety bubble of our house behind. It just doesn't happen that way. I knew that, like always, my words fell on deaf(and dumb) ears. So after talking about my sister, my mom and dad, about colleges and financial aid and working and my report card and my chores for the week and stuff, I just went to my room and cried. Call me a girl but let me tell you, after I sat there and cried, I felt something. I felt like someone had clicked the refresh button on my mind. I felt okay. I continued to sit in my room, watch tv, some porn, listen to music, buy a cd on itunes, and go to sleep. It was something new and different. But now I just go about my beeswax and that's okay.
Now I just need to finish and apply to college and get into Elms or Keene or Green Mountain and then I can breath easy and finish senior year.
Then I can get smart and get my degree and get a job and a house and stuff and live happily ever after, right?
Sure. Doesn't sound too hard. One day at a time and so on.
I'm listening to Phoenix and I'm enjoying a night of Sean time. See ya.
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Awww, /hug. Coming from the queen of meltdowns, I know what it is like. Sometimes you just have to cry. Sometimes it's the only way to make things better. You just gotta let it out. I hope you feel better. Don't let K get to you. She's just a teenage girl. They do drama. That's what they do. You gotta stop worrying about it. She's gonna make her own decisions regardless. You can't protect her forever. Adulthood scares me. I'm glad someone is looking forward to it, cuz I certainly don't want a job. Or to pay bills.
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