Tonight everything is lowball

I've been thinking about the future almost daily. Lame sounding? Sure. But it's true, where am I going to end up in 4 or 5 years from now? I'll probable move back home and look for a job. But I want more than that. I want a home of my own, even if it's small and lame. I want to start being a real adult. I mean I already pay bills, have a job(a cushy one, but a job nevertheless), drive everywhere, and pay for a bunch of stuff on my own. I've been applying to colleges with little help from my parents and I mean, I think I can handle the so called "real world" that's been looming over my head for years.

I might have just listened to the same song two times in a row. I dunno.

I kinda had a mini meltdown a few days ago. It was weird. My mind just lost it's attachment to reality. I crawled into my room, under the covers, and cried. It was so different. I've been able to handle stress pretty well my whole life but the other night I felt that I might just spontaneously burst in the middle of my kitchen if I didn't go down to my room and just sit alone. Before I went to my room I made an announcement to my family... one member especially. I said that (this person) has no fucking sense of reality, of what the real world is like. People wont bend around your wishes and wants after you leave your safety bubble of our house behind. It just doesn't happen that way. I knew that, like always, my words fell on deaf(and dumb) ears. So after talking about my sister, my mom and dad, about colleges and financial aid and working and my report card and my chores for the week and stuff, I just went to my room and cried. Call me a girl but let me tell you, after I sat there and cried, I felt something. I felt like someone had clicked the refresh button on my mind. I felt okay. I continued to sit in my room, watch tv, some porn, listen to music, buy a cd on itunes, and go to sleep. It was something new and different. But now I just go about my beeswax and that's okay.

Now I just need to finish and apply to college and get into Elms or Keene or Green Mountain and then I can breath easy and finish senior year.

Then I can get smart and get my degree and get a job and a house and stuff and live happily ever after, right?

Sure. Doesn't sound too hard. One day at a time and so on.

I'm listening to Phoenix and I'm enjoying a night of Sean time. See ya.

My KEYS are BACK!

My dad, my hero, my savior, found my keys in the leaf pile in the woods at Coco's house. I was amazed, filled with happiness and relief and gratitude. I lurve my pops.

Coco's blogging again! My little fagilla (and Jew) is a blogger once more. I have to say, even though I talk to him daily it's nice to read what he really wants to say but sometimes cant. I know how that goes. I feel like I can write an essay that says all the stuff I'm thinking in class and while I read but am just too bleh to say out loud. Weirdness, I know.

I think I want to learn how to paint pictures. I dunno, I'm feeling creative. The only problem with art and me is that over the past few months I've become more of a uniform, organized person in terms of shapes, words, writing style, etc. It's weird for me cuz I've always fancied myself a sort of ah who cares kinda guy but now I'm very, OCD ish. Not full on but it's just that I know what I want. Anyway, I'm going to try painting along w/ the photography to try and offset the stress and craziness that surrounds my daily being. Ah 2009, end soon, plz.

I'm going nighty night now. I'm on the couch for the 5th night while Tara hides out in my room away from her swine flu ridden domicile. Bleh. Cya!

BLah bLah BLoG

The word stress doesn't even begin to describe the feelings that are brewing the the coffee I need to be drinking.

I. Am. So. Done. With. This. Year.

There is just so much shit going on at once that my brain isn't equipped to handle. I cant even think clearly anymore.

I need someone/thing to come into my life, take the stress and work that goes along with college and my future and put it in fast forward for like 4 years. Then I'll be happy. It scares me to death thinking and planning where I'll be next year, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years from now. I don't know. It's all foreign to me. I've lived in the same town for my whole life. I've had most of the same friends, gone to the same places in town, had the same job, for a long time. Now I'm told I have to just walk away from it if I want to be a success. I do want to be a success but I also want to slow down a bit, take it at my own glacial pace. Then I can know what needs to be done.

Deep breaths.

Slow down. There are 8 trillion words working their way into one thought bubble at once. I cant breath.

Slow.

Slower.

Ahhhh.

That'll do.

I'm held in her nest. I've calmed instantly. I'm high off of her essence. It too is foreign. But this newness is welcomed with open sores, open heart, and open soul.

I'm okay. Just tired, overwhelmed, nervous, stressed, pissy, angsty, and emotional. Also known as an 18 year old living in middle class America with middle class petty drama bull.

Next year will transform my whole being. For the greater good of my sanity.

I hope.

G'night!

It's my 1 year (sorta) Blogaversary!

That's right, I can make up words too! Anywhoosies, it has been a year since I made this blog o awesomeness. Looking back at some of the posts, I think to myself "Wtf was I on?" and "I really need a life." I can say that since I started this blog, some cool and different things have happened in my life. Here's a list so y'all can read it easier:

1. I'm now 17
2. I am no longer single :)
3. I lost 30 lbs (not on purpose... I had the flu for a month and couldnt hold my food)
4. I got a mini fridge
5. I went to Disney
6. I had an awful year in AP Fail (I mean Bio)
7. I went to Salem and Concord and Mystic and a bunch of other places
8. I got closer with all my friends
9. I might be a better writer (maybe)
10. I went to prom with the most purtiest date

If I didnt include anything important, PLEASE remind me. I have the memory of an 80 year old sometimes.

School isnt that bad this year... yet. I hate, hate, hate physics with all my soul. It sucks. On the bright side, I love English even more, AP style. AP, along with all my other English classes, has really helped me feel confident about wanting to be an English teacher after college. I've known this for a while, but now it's with a lot less apprehension. I do feel a little stressed/ overwhelmed with all the other shit we as seniors need to do. I still have to retake the SATs, do the ACTs, do my senior ex, apply to colleges, BLAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHGGGHGHGH! But, I, along with everyone else, will get through it.

EHHHHHHHHHH

Well the summer is ovah. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I set such high expectations, try to plan so much in 2 months time. Then I am actually surprised when I haven't gotten anything I wanted to done. I wanted to go to Maine, Vermont, look at a few schools, go the the beach with all my friends for the day. I wanted to get my boat in the water and go around the sound with my friends, go to concerts, I wanted to do other things besides get up at 9 and spend my days inside a florescent lit building with my mom and bitchy aunt all day. I feel like I let myself down. I try to blame it on not having enough time but I dunno, it just sucks.

On the other hand, I was able to get a ton closer to the most special person ever. We had loads of fun together; I'd pick her up after work and we'd go back to my house and just lay in bed and talk and stuff. It was nice and it made this summer one of the best ones ever.

So we have to go back to school in 1 day. Great. I wanna sleep in and then blob around the house in my pjs and watch tv and read good books, not Crime and Punishment and hang out with Tara all day. Ehhh (hence the title). Oh well, such is life.
Night!

ps- expect more, frequent posts in the near future.

Blah blah continued

Wheres:

Where does your best friend live? Corn town
Where did you last go? Chilis
Where did you last hang out? my house
Where do you go to school? BHS
Where is your favorite place to be? location? maine or disney.. with Tara
Where did you sleep last night? in my bed

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now? I Love her
Do you think anyone likes you? I hope so
Do you ever wish you were someone else? no way
Do you know the muffin man? .. who lives on drury lane?
Does the future scare you? not really
FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? I was just asked that by him the other night... I like a challange
Why did you get a myspace? my cousin wanted me to have one
Why did your parents give you the name you have? 1, It's Irish like me and 2. It's from a John Lennon song my mom likes
Why are you doing this survey? why not?
THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be?? mind reader
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? nahh
If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring? Tara Lee
TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? haha what es's.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? yeah

Blah Blah I should be reading

TEN HOW'S:

How did you get one of your scars? fell off my bike
How did you celebrate your last birthday? trick or treating
How are you feeling at this moment? antsy
How did your night go last night? boring
How did you do in high school? last year WOOO!
How did you get the shirt you're wearing? Wal-Mart
How often do you see ur best friend?when he hauls his ass down to B-town
How much money did you spend last month? a bunch
How old do you want to be when you get married? 24-25 ish
How old will you be at your next birthday? 18!
NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name? grumble. Mom
What did you do last weekend? Salem Mass!
What is the most important part of your life? being able to see my baby
What would you rather be doing? watching a movie with Tara
What did you last cry over? The Boy In The Stripped Pajamas
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? listen to music or hugs
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? trust, love, happiness
What are you worried about? not sure
What did you have for breakfast ? Frosted Flakes... they're Grrrrrrreat!

Have yous:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? once or twice
Have you ever had your heartbroken? ehh
Have you ever been out of the country? nope
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? sure
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? nahh
Have you ever had sex on the beach? no
Have you ever dated someone younger than you? currently
Have you ever read an entire book in one day? lots of times

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw? my sister
Who was the last person you texted? Coco
Who was the last person you hungout with? my Mom
Who was the last person to call you? Katie
Who did you last hug? Tara Lee
Who is the last person who texted you? Katie
Who was the last person you said "i love you" to? non-romantically? Mom romantically? Tara


Are you happy with your life right now?
yes